The optional one

It’s always the optional one.

The uncomfortable one.

The odd one.

The unapproachable one.

Never the one you can’t be happy without.

Never the one you search for.

Never the one you miss.

Never the one you feel safe with.

That one is me.

This thought came to mind again today when I found myself left out, again. But strangely it didn't hurt the way it used to, rather a slow "I knew it" acceptance. I guess I am finally adapting to it. 

No matter how many friends you've seen me with. I've never really been the friend. 

I am not someone's only bestfriend who they always rely on. Neither someone's one and only. 

Once I thought I mattered to someone, I tried giving it back, but I only found myself stupidly misunderstanding it. I'm just her 'another' friend and I decided to stop when it was clear that someone else always got picked over me. 

Wherever I go, whatever group I am in, you'll find me in a corner doing 'something' to cover up my loneliness. Easy guess, I'll be scrolling through nothing on the phone. When the nothing becomes too "nothing", I'll be reading something on reddit or any article. all while sinking into my own thoughts wondering why was I born like this. 

Funny how I felt most lonely in the most crowded place. 

When in a group, I bet im the  one you can't be two with cause it's too awkward and we don't really 'click'. 

It's a routine for me to choose to go alone- just to save them from being stuck with me. If they ended up with me, I always felt guilty. I can see right through their eyes that they pray to switch team. Because I'm not the 'fun' one. 

Once I was mentioned in a group of 3 names, congratulated for some achievement, only the other 2 got cheered on and I was left there, congratulating myself. 

I believe i'm a good secret keeper but no one even wants to share their secrets with me. I literally have 0 secrets kept for anyone. I guess, again, im not 'fun' to talk to. Or I am not a good adviser to which I agree. Honestly, I get that. I am too logical to be deep into the emotion and be blindly on your side when I know you're in the wrong. I can't help to say the truth. I guess that's not the answer you want. 

I talk a lot but mostly to myself. You'll never believe how much I talk alone. Honestly anyone out there who actually listen? My words always slowly fade away everytime I realise they don't really give a damn. 

Im not introverted but somehow I kept getting pushed away. 

After all that I felt, I've became anxious around people. Thinking “no one likes me” is like my shield from disappointments. I tend to overshare to strangers. Keep finding true connections. Still hoping to find someone that sticks. I keep finding something else outside so I turn to musics with lyrics that "understands" me or offer me some kind of relief. (but that also got pushed away when they questioned "this? is? what youve been listening to?" -- and I just quietly swallowed that too). 

or any source of "dunia" happiness i can find. Which obviously are temporary fixes. That's all they are. 

I have Allah. and I shouldn't forget that. Everytime I feel empty, I know its my soul yearning for Him. 

May Allah grant us the best companion in this life and Akhirah. 

ps: The reason I am not writting these days are A: because my writing skill is getting duller and duller, and B: i've been a reader more than a writer.  

and if you're seeing this, hi. I didnt promote this post cause it's too vulnerable of me. What made you came?