Changing

Assalamualaikum! how are you? hope youre doing great. Although i dont know who 'you' are but may Allah ease your affairs. 

I think ive wrote it here, on friends, or on cutting toxic people in my life, before but I dont really remember. Well, being myself, i tend to quickly forget what i said and don't even work for it. Which is bad.

But not this time, I finally found something good in forgetting. I forgot to cut people off. That was my goal last year. So I made doa to remove those people from my life. But i didnt do nothing? Well, I did distanced myself from them for a while, but now its back to normal. I basically failed. (Adding to the failed goal list) 

Little did I know, the answer to that specific doa of mine is Allah's fixing myself instead. And I said "fixing" because i am not "fixed" yet. So, apparently they were not the toxic ones, but I am? (dont angguk to this). 

Interestingly, i have never ever planned it, but Allah have put the desire in my heart of wanting to be a better friend, a better sister, a better daughter, a better person in general. Seriously it was the whole theme of my 2024 so far. Alhamdulillah everytime I was doing something bad, or something that will offend people, or maybe I got angry, Allah always remind me of that 2024 set "theme".

Crazy how my last year and this year's goal is completely the opposite. 

So my past years, I always found myself feeling lonely, and I always blame the people around me. Theyre draining me, my social battery is not good, they always gossip, im an introvert, i dont like them and what more excuses I made you name it. and when im at that moment, I always try to not go out, I cry myself to sleep, and I just ended up hating everyone, and thinking everybody hates me bla bla. I had it atleast once a month for years. Now i still gets lonely la once in a blue moon but its veeery rare. 

so I cant help to think that cutting these people off was the best way to go. What a limited wisdom I have. 

Until this year, having the goal to be better in my heart, I tend to open up to my friends more, I listen to their stories more, I respond more, I make doa for them more, I am grateful for them more, and I am trying my very best to treat them better, unlike before. (its not like im such a bad bad friend pun sebelum ni, but I was more reserved before, i just dont care much). But now I care. Before, I think its me against the world but now im clingy and always ask for their support. Asking for help also has its own wisdom behind kan. 

lol one day,  

this beloved friend of mine, lets call her "S", S LOVES to take pictures. She lovess it so much that my hand hurts from holding the phone. To tangkap gambar her la. She will ask to take pictures from every angle possible. and one day she asked me "can you take my-", my brain refused it right away but my heart was talking to me "a better friend, a better friend......remember?  it cant be that long". so i took it for her. 

It was so long. 

but hey, atleast i did it *insert a nervous smile*. I hope she gets a husband or a tripod or smthing. amin. 

also my friends got weirded out seeing me tiba tiba jadi baik to them. sus much. 

you know theres so many things I tried to do that includes

-replying to their tweets LOL 

-liking their ig post (i rarely double tap) 

-be curious to their stories

-make more doa

-send kind words to them

-basically just talk more to them. message them, meet them. 

-etc

i know you might think this is just a basic list of how "friends" work, sofea.  but yea i didnt do these things before. (no wonder it doesnt work) 

I don't think my friends has ever changed anything pun but somehow I felt the love more? I somehow cherish the friendship more, the loose ones before have been tighten again, and i felt very very grateful for it. The same friends I have before, have not changed anything but I felt the difference? are you seeing my point here? exactly. Its me thats changing. 

my life is so much easier now that Im changing myself instead of blaming others and hating people. At the end of the day, you can't really change anyone but yourself kan. And by being kinder to others will In Shaa' Allah make Allah be kinder to you by blessing the relationships and even make your life figured out. They are Allah's creation, of-course we have to be kind to them. Allah loves them. #iloveyoumygirls #forthesakeofAllah

and there's much much lesser disappointments in expecting people to change. and its because we are controlling ourselves, theres no expectations and even if i fail sometimes i can always start again. im human anyway. I make mistakes everyday. but sometimes!!! the people around me doesnt help at all. ugh. ujian betul. 

But please make doa for me. To be able to istiqamah my way to being a better servant, daughter, sister, friend, employee, caretaker, or any hats i might take in the future. and I hope, the friendships i have will not turn against me, but be an intercession for us all in the akhirah for loving each other for the sake of Allah. also I hope the friendships get better, by getting closer to Allah together.