명필이야 나 아니다 // wRiTtINg iS mY paSSiOn

 

i have poem books. bcs i love reading it. but it doesnt mean i understand it. in fact, i did not, at all, understand anything to be honest. i once thought my mind is deep but at this point, through so many attempts of reading, understanding, even creating, i found out that my mind is very on the surface level.

but interestingly, i tend to love people who think deep and i tried to be like them. it somehow frustrates me that I cant be like them.

i thought, how can a person have so many things to say? have so many expressions or ways to say things? how do they know all these words?

while i am so so simple in expressing. no matter how much i added bombastic creative wonderful vocabs into my brain dictionary, i will end up using the most boring common vocabs ever. nice, pretty, wonderful, ugh. i am always stuck at picking words. my sentences are not even coherent to begin with.

mind you that my mind is everywhere. i think about everything. i have many ideas. but i cant express it. im afraid that i’ll be called “tin kosong”. have thoughts, but didnt act on it? (does it make sense) so….

i kinda dont like that about myself. i dont know if this is a good thing or not. i dont know if this is about my character thats very fast paced that I cant think well? do i need to slow down? i think i should. i tried though. or is it bcs im an introvert?

i once entered a “competition” i mean, like an online contest to continue a story from a single line they gave. you know what i mean? like, they have a line, and i need to complete it. i really wanted to win so i tried soooo hard i can feel my brain was not working. my imagination is there but i cant express it. it was so so frustrating. let alone writing it beautifully? so i cheated, i asked chatgpt to prettify my lines hahaha. just for one entry okay. i did my entries and the others, i didnt ask chatgpt for it. and i think i did quite well. but ofcourse i didnt win

anyway

this is why, i like to read. every time i come across a line the author wrote thats beautiful or unique, or funny (the sentence), i’ll underline because i want to look back at it again and copy and use it somewhere in my life. i want to sound cool. haha.

oh i am so happy everytime i got to do it.

maybe i just need to read more. and its gonna take long is it? but i want to be good like right now, fast, is there any other way? zzz